A brief one act play

Setting: New Alexandria PA
Sheetz convenience store

Skippy (to cashier): Sup, homy? I need some clove cigarettes and do you have Nair?

Cashier: I don’t think so, would you like to try a Shmuffin?

Skippy: Hellz no, do you have a pisser? I got Westmoreland skank and Jaegerbomb all over my hands.

Cashier: Yes, it is in the back.

(Skippy admires self in mirror checks is freshly shaved pubic region and takes a picture of himself in the mirror with his phone)

Skippy: What the hell, there are no paper towels in here. This is bullpukey.

(Skippy smashes the empty towel dispenser and kicks the garbage can– 44 yards and perfectly straight)

Skippy: (to cashier): What the heck, man, there are no paper towels in the pisser.

Cashier: You want some napkins?

Skippy: Napkins? You douche, napkins will rip on my two Super Bowl rings. I’m outta here.

Cashier (on the phone with police): Yes, I think I was just accosted by Bobcat Goldthwaite

AND SCENE.

So lets break it down like this.

There is this company in the US called General Motors. They make Cadillac cars (and some others). Long story short but no one is buying their overpriced cars so they stiff-armed the gubbmint for some money. To the tune of $9.4 billion in TARP funding. GM has a little annual promotion where they give a very well paid athlete who gets the MVP award in the Super Bowl a new overpriced car for free (math: wealthy man gets free luxury automobile). This year, the brain trust at GM decided it would be in poor taste to overtly give away a $95,000 automobile (that the American taxpayers funded) to a football player that makes a few million dollars per annum. The answer? Do it on the DL (down low for the lay person).

Instead of driving the new Caddy on the field and presenting it at the MVP award Luncheon, GM is just slipping the car to Sansmokio Holmes on the side. If you are keeping score at home, GM still gives a multi-millionaire a free car that the public bought and they get no advertising bump out of it. We are shocked that they find themselves in financial troubles. Shocked, we tell you.

In related news the Tampa Bay Bucs are happy to have a healthy TARP Williams in the backfield next year.

One minute we are sitting on the edge of uur seat drinking a Rail Bender, the next thing we know we wake up on Monday morning distinctly remembering the Steelers drive down the field with less than 2:30 in the game and Sansmokio Holmes making a brilliant game winning touchdown catch…………….now we find out it was all a dream.  sunnova.

We ran across a few pictures of the victory celebration  in Oakland last night.  Photos from transforumer

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Prop bet fun: Start with a bang.

Bet the coin toss, g’head, bet it. Why? Why the hell not. 50-50 chance and it starts the party off right. Picture if you will. You are at a Super Bowl party. People are eating chips and double dipping. Some hot chick your friend brought is wearing her Polamaulu jersey. The die hard fans are trying to keep from sharting at the anticipation of the game….and you? you have $200 (with odds) on tails. Hellz yea. Tails bitches. You see, you have estimated the commemorative Super Bowl coin (see picture below)  has a distinct tails advantage based on the calculated heavier weight of the heads side. That trophy and the helmets and that crap has to weigh more than the roman numeral, right? Flip. Heads falls face down, big ups to you Mr. Newton (sir).

You’ve got an inside track, a gambling problem and some time to kill before Leann Rhimes or some dude from Bel Biv DeVoe sings a drawn-out soulful version of our nation’s anthem.

P.S. When some uppity chick at the party who witnessed you go nuts over the toss tells you gambling is disease….you tell her it is the only disease you know that you can contract and wind up making a crap-ton of cash.

Listen, we put up with the fact that you are a snot-nosed barely out of high school under qualified political punch line. We chuckle over a cold Iron when we see you parading around at big sports events and trying to bum rounds of golf at prestigious courses. We get that throw-up-in-the mouth-feeling when we see the billboards and the dilapidated old converted diner as your “Reddup” headquarters. We wondered how long it took you to wash the Hillary off your lips after the St. Patrick’s day parade (not quite a party anymore). We try not to wince as we know you carry the title that some great Pittsburghers have held (look at the statue outside for a hint). But, you cross the line when you cry poor and announce there probably won’t be a Steeler victory parade should the team hoist the Lombardi trophy in Tampa.

Luke, Luke, Luke…..this is a city that shoots of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of fireworks every few weeks for seemingly no reason at all. This is a town that pays tons of money for useless Regattas and pitiful arts festivals. This is a town that runs on football and finds a way to crack a smile and tip a glass, even in bleak times, over what the Steelers do on the gridiron. To deny this city a chance to stand tits to ass in the cold weather and yell things at players riding in cars down Grant Street is just plain ridiculous.

Do the right thing, Luke. Grab beer, cut out of work a little early, give up the free tickets and trips and pay for some police and some fencing; and, should the Steelers stomp the Cards on Sunday, let this city freak the hell out for a few hours.

Sincerely,

SmCS

SmCS reader Kimmie sent us a picture of her skin art….the  crown jewel of fan tatoos.  Hot chick, panties, splayed legs and the Steelers.  Notice the Jeff Reed autograph.  Sadly the signature is only temporary, but the tat is for keeps. Big shout out to Ink-N-At in Verona PA for the ink.

P.S.  yes, Douchey McReed signs his automograph with smiley faces that would make a 4th grade cheerleader jealous.